The Mindful Listening Ability: A Blessing and a Curse

I have been going to music therapy for about a year and a half now, and it's truly one of the best things in my life. Each month, I get to reflect with my therapist, Naomi, and understand why I feel the way I feel. It all started when I started getting anxiety attacks. I thought I was having a heart attack. Turns out I have hypochondria. I'm far from the healthiest person, but the many times I have been to urgent care factually tells me I am completely okay. Easier to listen to than to actually put it in practice. To this day I would freak out about a symptom that I have and search it online for hours. It never ends well. But this is how it all started. I was put on medication and I decided to reach out to a music clinic that offers music therapy. Those two things have helped me so much mentally. I am glad that mental illness is starting to lose its stigma and people are opening up more. Lord only knows what I would be if I didn't reach out to a therapist and if I didn't take medication.

Naomi and I had to figure out what I wanted out of the therapy sessions. Nowadays, we start off the session with me updating her with my life and any successes or failures I have faced. Then we end it off with singing songs. It sounds kind of funny that a therapy session includes me and my therapist singing, but it's actually very grounding especially when you are jamming out with a professional musician. It keeps me engaged with my craft and heals me mentally at the same time. However it wasn't always like that. When Naomi was setting the foundations of music therapy, I learned this way of grounding called "mindful listening". It's the process of actively listening to a song's instruments, vocals, and more. I often find this way of grounding very helpful. It keeps me from floating away and stops me from depersonalization. I love this grounding technique so much that I use it when I sit down and focus on songs. I like to sit down and listen to tracks on Tidal using my hi-fi speakers. I hate using this word, but people would describe me as an audiophile. I love listening to every part of the song, because most of the time, small details of a song was deliberately added for listeners to enjoy. I can't even do leisurely activities without listening to music. I would rather die than to drive in silence for ten minutes. I would fall asleep if I was cleaning without music. I would be pissed if I did dishes in silence. Maybe it's the roar of my tinnitus, but I can't live without listening to music. Mindful listening became such a big part of my way of listening to music that I became too good at it. Even if I were doing something else like folding clothes, I catch myself over focused on the music, leading my tasks to be sub-par.

Now do you see why this is a blessing and a curse? Although this is my go to for grounding and most of the time a grantee for me to prevent an anxiety attack, I can't listen to music casually anymore. Studying was the biggest problem I had recently. I don't want to study in silence, but at the same time, listening to music has me unfocused on my studies. Even if it's something soft or classical, I find myself fully immersed in the music, and half assing my academics. I have mentioned this to Naomi and we are trying to find music that I can have in the background without me analyzing it subconsciously. It proves to be a difficult task.

Therefore I am sorry if I have spoken to you about music that you like and I critically put it down. I often have this conversation with Bea because she's more of a casual music listener. She often listens to popular artists like Taylor Swift, an insanely popular artist. Of course, they are popular for a reason: people like her music. But for me, casual songs by singer-songwriters have become stale and boring. There's nothing to mindfully listen to in my opinion when it comes to most of the popular songs that I hear often in TikTok or online. Obviously just because the artist is popular doesn't mean it automatically means it's bad. I have actually enjoyed Charli xcx's "brat" record and Chappell Roan's "The Rise and Fall of a Midwestern Princess". Even someone who is incredibly popular like Olivia Rodrigo have tracks that are amazing in my opinion. For me, these artists have found a balance of experimental and casual formulas. Something that pushes the boundaries of "radio music" are present in their records. I have the reputation of being a music hater amongst my friends and colleagues and I don't blame them. There are a lot of records out there that I don't like or even despise. But I think I'm pretty fair when I listen to these albums and songs. I always have an open mind that this could be a banger. 

It might seem like I see myself as a superior music critic and I am sorry if I come off that way. I have listened to so much music throughout my life that most popular songs just sound indistinguishable to me. Mindful listening has made me an incredible analyst when it comes to music. But it has saved me from having horrible mental breakdowns and makes me grounded and alive. It's definitely a give and take. Overall I don't regret having this ability. I am hopeful that I will find songs that are great to accompany me when I study, and I need to stop weaponizing this ability to crap on songs that other people enjoy.

Written by Freedom Lapuz